blame it on the week

dear web journal,

if you can place blame on a week for being terrible, last week was terrible.

my closest friend’s mom passed away from cancer last weekend and her funeral was saturday. i couldn’t be there and i could only provide distanced support. i can’t stop thinking about how truly sad it is that she’s gone and i feel terrible that i am not physically there for my friend. my mom is giving me some of her flyer miles so i can get out there in the coming weeks when my work events come to a close. but i feel anxious with the separation. i don’t know if that is for him or for me, anymore. his mom was totally charming and always welcomed me with the biggest smiles (even on the occasions that she clearly did not expect my arrival and had to quickly throw on her top after sunbathing nude, ha!). she had even been the special-ed aid to my brother, while he was in middle school. it is crushing because i care deeply about my friend, but it’s more than that too.

to add to that helpless feeling, my friend at work (sole-provider of her college student husband and two-year-old child) was accused of university theft on monday and was subsequently fired. she appears to have been a victim of identity theft and has slowly worked over this past week to clear her name. the atmosphere in the office was heavy all last week and still this week.

i also learned that none of my grandparents are coming to my wedding. my dad’s parents aren’t because they’ve been fighting for the last few years over some things that were said: over inheritance, over misunderstandings, over money. it’s all really ridiculous at this point that neither side will speak to each other. and my grandpa admitted flatly that he wouldn’t come because he didn’t want to see my dad. i don’t think i’ve ever been angry with my grandpa for anything before. but i am now. and it isn’t just because they’re not coming to my wedding. that’s important to me, but the quality of my relationships with them and even my father has been spoiled to too large a degree because of this. most of our interactions with each other are consumed with them trying to fight through me (as some kind of unwitting intermediary) hoping that i’ll relay to the other what they can’t communicate themselves. i’m simply tired of it. i’ve given myself some time to meditate over it, calm down, and really think about why i feel the way i do. i plan on writing them and letting them know. i’ll see i suppose.

anyway, i hope better things for this week. work is busy lately; so, i’ll delve into that.

artwork featured: dear florence, by art and ghosts